Patience is a virtue

The struggle is real

I am finding it Really difficult at the minute… Really don’t know what’s up with me lately… patients is slowly running out 🤔🙈 I just want to be there and be there now!! why is everything a long waiting game… I’m not used to waiting for somthing i need or want regarding work life. I’ve always just gone out and got what I wanted but at this point in time it is a waiting game and it’s so frustrating!..

Money issues! (we all have them)

So at presant its difficult for me because “yes money doesn’t make you happy” (to a certain extent) but it Really does help. I’m lacking money! Simple as that. I do not have any savings and nothing really to show for the last 12 years of hard work… I’ve just found somthing that I really want to do from a simple app game on my phone and through this app, I’ve realised it’s somthing i really enjoy and that I’m actually good at…

Home Design (Play Store)

This app has inspired me to do so much more than just getting votes on my deisgns, it’s motivated me to look into becoming an interior designer. Everyone on the app gets  to vote for the design they think is the best and on average my results are between 4 – 5 stars…5* being the highest. So for me this is a massive achivenmemt, it’s somthing I’m quite proud of! The app is obviously on a smaller level of interior design and I found through my research that there is alot more to interior design then just picking furniture ECT… 2 main aspects of it is, ART and SCIENCE… 2 passions that i love the most!! All round the whole definition of interior design is something that is me all over! 😍

I can only imagine what Im capable of doing with the right support, education, experience and training – Stacey Jones

One of my designs (More to come below)

What’s my problem then? you may ask…

This is where my problems start!

    • I have a new found challange and love for something I can’t afford to study!
    • The course isn’t funded by student finance.
    • I do not have the funds to survive let alone pay for the course I need to get into the industry.
    • I want to start my future today but feel like I’m faced with 1000 brick walls.
    • I’m currently working with a charity called “new leaf” who can in some circumstances help fund courses and licences ECT. (but unfortunately so far I don’t beleive the funding is going to be even close to covering the course.
    • I also can not be working during working with this charity otherwise the suport stops.

Feeling my frustration yet?

I feel like at the moment, this is all i can do, is dream…

Even though dreams can be reality! I know my plans arnt unrealistic and it is possible! but also I’m a realist and I do feel like my career in interior design is just a dream and it feels like that’s als i can do… untill I know my options… and hope that it will come at the right time…

I don’t want to waste any more time!

For so many years I’ve gone for jobs just for the money and because I can! I worked just to servive and I’m sure their are so many people out there that do the same! but i cant do it anymore life is to live! TO do something you enjoy and love! I once seen a video of a guy showing you a working time line… from birth to death and this is where it truely hit me… we spend majority of our life working, around 40+ years out of 80+ years of our life… so why shouldn’t I want to enjoy what im doing in this time! I’ve already worked 12 years of my life so far out of 26! thats nearly half my life so far! And ill repeat again…

I have nothing to show for this! no car… no house… no savings…apart from experience and occasionally a few holidays

Some people reading this may assume I’m just really bad with money or not good at saving which you would be right on some level… but it’s not been easy… I’ve had to pay for stuff that alot of young people my age wouldn’t have to but assentiual to just servive. I understands that yes I’m not the only one and there is people much worse off than me and I am genrally greatfull for my life and the people init…

I refuse at this point to just go to work just to pay the bills! I want to be someone who’s apprecated for their work! I want to put my heart and soul into a career and into work that someone will apprecate.

Imagine that job being to design someones house with them! A forever home unique to that person and helping that happen!

The next job I go into I want it to be my life career I want to invest my time into somthing I love instead of wasting time. I want to be able to retire in this next job but still have the passion to continue it even after retiring!!! I want to be proud of what ive done in my working life instead of woundering “what if”…

Why do I want to do this so badly?

I’ll tell you why…

I have one of the most creative minds with ideas comimg out of my ears. So doing a 9-5 standard normal job in an office isn’t my thing… ( no offence to any one who has everyone is different after all) these kinds of jobs do not motivate me. For so many reasons.

I do not like working in the same space day in and day out it gets extremely boring for me and my brain starts to wonder. I get distracted easily if my mind isn’t occupied on something I love.

As much as I do love people I prefer to meet new people often, with diffrent story’s. I want to be able to work in a team that have the same goal in mind – ie working on projects… I want to constantly work with different and new people and alone with my own ideas.

I want to be able to deal with people that actually need me, who have requested my time and actually want my expertise and my personality in there home, dealing with people that will actually appreciate what I do and be rewarded for it fairly, and help people make their dreams come true… as i live mine through interior design.

I thrive off new and exciting challenges, which I know from interior design I can get this… but frequently!

 

I do not like repetitiveness, I do not want to be doing the same thing 5 days a week everyday for the rest of my working life! I want diffrent, constant change and I know interior design projects would give me this and so much more!

 

I love the idea that every new project will be completely different and even if its similar to the last project, it will still be significantly different from the last because everyone if different and has different tastes

 

I like the thought that eventually I would be able to travel the world with this kind of work – something else I am passionate about (seeing the world and experiencing different cultures) because people all over the world need an interior designers.

 

I know that this job would give me satisfaction on so many levels it will be something I can be proud of for each and ever project, it will make all the hard work worth while… it would be so rewarding… planning someone’s family home or first house or a couples pad etc. Being a massive part of this would be amazing to me.

 

I love colours and how they go together or how they clash, I love shapes and sizes and space and what I can do with it! how I can transform it! I love lighting and the effects that lighting can impact the way you feel and how a space can look.

 

I have so many other reasons why I want to persue this career but i dont want to bore you… if I havnt already 🙈

So instead ill just show you some more of my recent designs…

I also enjoy art and painting and decortating. I have been told by family and friends and clients that have baught my work that i have “THE EYE” for such projects. I had always struggled with my confidence regarding anything I created… as they say you yourself are your worst critic. Untill I decided one day to just try and it definitely worked in my favour. 

Creativity is part of me … – Yes I proberly need to get out more 🙈

The above painting is when I realised after painting it… that I can achive anything I put my mind to!

Heres a few more of the paintings I’m proud of!

This career is something I can see myself doing until the day I retire, if not untill I can physically no longer do it. Interior design could open so many opportunity’s for me. It could change my life for the better… its something that I know will change frequently but i can adapted my personality and creativity around it! I have never been so excited about something in my life until now because most of all I believe I can do this! I want to do this! So I will!

If I didn’t write this blog I could possibly be rocking in a corner right now because I was driving myself crazy! Thinking to much… we all know this hurts 🙈

If anyone reading this can help me in any way, I would be so greatfull. For any advice or contacts to help me get into the interior design industry? or if anyone knows of anyone in the industry that can point me in the right direction please contact me 💋

Also if you liked any of my paintings and want one yourself again please contact me…

If you are reading right now and are at the end of my blog… I want to thank you for reading to the end 😙 I honestly apprecate it and as a thank you… I’d like to enter you into a FREE draw to win one of my hand painted canvas paintings. (If you like my work of course🙂)

You will get to pick out of some I made earlier this year…

ONLY terms & condition I have is as follows;

LIKE my facebook page…

https://www.facebook.com/PaintedCanvasesArtsAndCrafts2017/

Blog Link :

barelyme212.wordpress.com

SHARE the 2 above links to 1 of any social media you have and print screen it.

THEN

Once you have done the above steps COMMENT “Done” on my facebook page on the status  with link to this blog with the  print screen to prove hou have shared the links… so I know who you are and how to contact the winner.

Much Love x

Good luck.

staceyjonesbarelyme212@gmail.com

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NABBED 26 Motor Bike Event – 2017

I had to blog about this 🙈👌💜🔥

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Me at the nabbed 26 2017 motor bike rally on the ‘verminator’… excuse the actual state of me though like… 🙈

I wanted to start this, the day i arrived but had to save my batery… so now will have to do 🙈

People who just genreally go camping may also relate to this… 🤣😂

Or people who generally just think about things way to much in detail  – like me 🙈😆

Yes i was a rally vergin and thankfully no one knew! Hahaha apparently i could have ended up in a cage with eggs ect being thrown at me 🙈

swerved that didn’t I 😉🤣

Reasons for blogging about this event is because so many funny things went through my mind lol so i just need to share them to see if anyone else thinks the way i do 😊

So here goes!

Firstly…

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The toilets from the ques point of veiw.

The toilet stitch… 

This one had me laughing out loud walking past the que of people, waiting to go in the toilet…

So my boyfriend and I  needed to try and find the water tap. Which was turned off the day before so we were genrally spitting feathers. We had no idea where is was. We ended up starting from the middle and working our way to the edge of the feild and then round…

So during this journey we had to pass what seemed to be the main toilets on the site and as i was walking passed i looked at the que of people waiting to go for a wee and the toilet anger is real… 😫😂 … oh my gosh ‘if looks could kill’😂…

The whole que were like a group of mercats (even found myself doing this after realizing it 🙈) as we slowely walked past everyone in the que (walking between the row of toilets and infront of the que)  their heads turn and follow our movenments with a look to kill… as if to say…

“What the fuck are you doing?? near MY toilets… thats mine! Get away, get at the back of the que”

Even though we were just casually walking past 🤣

But from the ques point of veiw its like someones walking on your teritory lol 🤣… anyone that walks in front of that que, your like hmmmm u best be walking past! KEEP WALKING!

Funny times 🤣

If you have never noticed before? look out for this next time your camping….🤔😄

Secondly…

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Hypnotized by motor bikes…

This also had me laughing out loud…

So baring in mind we are at a motor bike rally. So its all about the bikes…

But me not knowing anything about bikes or a rally for that mater, I found myself  giggling quite a lot. Just people watching… when it came to anounce the winners of the rally there were sheets of paper with lists on them to mark each bike. People were just staring at the bikes, 1 at a time and only from learning that they were actually studying the diffrent parts that had been added ect.

For me it just looked like they were woundering around looking in a fish tank or sumit looking at diffrent fish… (i cant beleive im comparing bikes to fish 🙈🤣) but still because im not used to it thats what i was visulizing.

Id over hear a convo about the diffrent bikes/ parts and its litrally like a diffrent language… honestly i had no idea what anyone was on about!

And… surely for 1 in 2 people, 1 of them mustnt have a clue whats going on… 1 of them must just go around with their partner ect or friend and just nod and agree. Not knowing what there looking at or talking about… (this was what was going through my head while people watching… and the conclusion i came too 🤔)

And having stalls for shopping is a good idea for those who havnt got a clue lol but i did enjoy the people watching and wish i had money to buy some of the stuff , there was some really nice unusual things…

Thirdly…

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Ways and means..

So anyone whos been camping unless they are extreamlly prepared will know we take things for granted … like a table for example so we have to make do with what we have around us 🤣

Part of what i love about camping is working out what you can use with what you have to make life easier…

So i figured being on grass basically on a farmers feild where the serface isn’t very even… but your boots or trainers work wonders to hold beer in 😉 ( life tip in the future for anyone who goes camping and doesnt know where to put there drink)

Using a bed sheet as a blanket 👌 just because its aloud right? 🤣

Useing the tourch on your phone as a light in the dark toilets at night! Now holding it can be a problem right? So just ask someone preferably someone you went with… to hold the door open slightly while shining the light through the gap! 👌😍 worked a treat … untill they put there finger over the light in a drunken state… at that point you just have to hope for the best…

Using the empty burger box for your tomatoe sause… if you dont have plates… 🙈

My best idea so far… taking the sofa cousions as our bed! Soooo comfy! Well comfier tham the floor anyways 😉🤣

Fourthly…

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I have now realised why bikers (i mean propa bikers) are so  obsessed with there bikes!

After watching 100s infact thousands of bikers with their bikes its obvious to me now…

Them bikes are litrally their bitches, the owners whole life! They full on make love to there bikes in their minds… they become their bike… people are their bike!!

Show them attention and give them loving!

And if the bike doesnt start well… thats just a diffrent level… a whole new story😉

– The antisipation kills you!..

You genrally will that bike to start!!!

“I do beleive in bikes i do, i do! I do beleive in bikes i do, i do!

And well… when that bike REVS and starts!!!… oh my gosh! That sounddddddd😮😮😮😍😍😍👌👌❤

Im thinking of becoming a biker myself 🤣👌

It was a good weekend overall…enjoyed doing somthing diffrent and its made me realise i need to start doing more things that i wouldnt normally do!..

Chapter 3 – Drunks will do anything for food

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Ok so this one is taking me back in time and making me laugh just thinking about it.

(laughing out loud. Formally know as “Lol”)

This is a small story and also properly one of those…

“had to be there moments”

But still I’ll tell you anyway..

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So, me and a very close friend of mine… still class her as my sister from another Mrs… My malidribbleeee, (Malibu, yes this is our nickname for the alcohol drink)

We went on holiday back in the day and got that drunk off Malibu that we couldn’t even say it right My Mushhhaaaa ( I don’t really know how this nickname come about, it’s something we say when something goes wrong putting it that way )
This one evening me and my friend went out on a night out, back in our uni days around 2010. We had such a random night this night and it just shows how drunk we were because I can’t even remember what night club we went, in fact… I can’t really remember much before this specific event took place.

(alcohol is bad for you don’t do it)

But going from where I can remember…
Me and my malidribble headed back to our student accommodation in London and decided last minute that we were incredibly hungry or should I say pretty much just had the munchies. At this point we said to ourself  that we should take a walk to the nearest take away kebab shop, which would have properly only been around a 5 minute walk but we all know when we’re drunk time just isn’t what it seems! 🙈

So we started walking the short cut way (which probably wasn’t the best of areas for 2 young drunk women to be walking through) at this point we just wanted food now! So decided Yolo were going anyway… And along the way we came across a delivery van that was parked up with a man in side…
So I decided I didn’t want to walk anymore as it felt like a lifetime to get there and we had already been out dancing all night, so I just wanted to be teleported to the food shop… so I could eat myself into a food coma.

(why does food always taste better when your drunk? )

We came up with, what we thought was the best idea of the night…

“let’s ask this guy for a lift!”
We did not know this man and did not know what he was delivering but at the time we thought… yes this is a brilliant idea… so we did, the man said ok he would take us down the road. At least I think he did.

There is a slight possibility we just took it upon ourselves to get into the van in our drunken state and tell the man where he needed to take us… I can’t quite remember what we said to the man but we both ended up in the front seat of this van. Asking this stranger to take us to the take away shop up the road…

( I mean who does This! Us obviously)
So this happened the man luckily dropped us off safe and sound unharmed but anything could have happened we could have been stabbed, killed or Even worse the take away could have been closed!!

Thankfully the take away was open! and we ended uo in a food coma… i think? Lol.

Winner…

Chapter 2 – Spiritual Activity 😫

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Oh I may have forgotten to mention we live right next to a grave yard!

This is another reason I wanted to swop rooms because our bedroom window view over looks a cemetery (read chapter 1, so your up to date )  and I also wanted to swop rooms due to this very story I’m about to tell!!

So from a very young age, I’ve always believe in the spiritual energy’s we all have. Whether this be your ora, presents or being… passed on or still alive.

When I was younger and still to this day, I always had strong helpful advice to give to my friends, family and even strangers to the point I realised this wasn’t just advice. This was most likely spiritual readings, as some of the things I say are things I wouldn’t normally say in day to day life…

(anyone who is spiritual or believes in this gift will understand what I mean… and if you don’t understand contact me and I’ll try to explain it 😘)
So around 6 years ago after going on a camping trip with some friends, one of them still being my best friend now ( she already knew about the spiritual gift I was curious about)

I ended up giving one of the girls a reading about her grandmother who had passed.

This was really random by the way. We were around the camp fire and had a few beers to hand. We were randomly talking about school and then I just had an imagine of this frail, older lady, with a thick wooly jumper on sitting on a sofa in front of the fire in her living room…

I mentioned things I had no idea about and mentioned things I couldn’t have possibly known, as I wasn’t close to this girl in that way. At this point I realised I had a spiritual gift that I continued to use every now and again (this freaked me out slightly but in a good way, most of the time)

So anyway bringing this story back to more recently. Last year in 2016, I started a spiritualist course. After a few weeks of doing it, I didn’t really enjoy it as it wasn’t really for me, believe it or not I’m not actually that much of a people’s person (some times). Not only that, within those 2 weeks a lot of bad things started happening and there was a lot of negativity around me. So I decided to give it up and leave the spiritual world alone.
This worked out well for me after stopping trying to figure out my future and others. My life actually started to fall nicely  into place.

I met my boyfriend, it went extremely well, we fell in love and soon after we moved in together and things are still going amazingly! ( I’m not to sure if things going right for me was due to the fact id stopped the readings or whether it was just down to coincidence or just the fact that I was well over due something real… but either way I didn’t want to tempt fait )
But then…

A lady I had given a small reading to many years ago contacted me, asking if I still did reading and asked if I would do her one… so from past experience, I suggested that I would do an online reading for her as i had done them before, for strangers and they went really well. So I felt more comfortable doing it online rather than face to face. I also thought this may stop and weird feelings I had like last year.

Now after this reading, that went quite well, she asked me if I’d still do a face to face reading? To which I didn’t know how to respond as I didn’t want to get back involved in the spiritual world in this much detail but at the same time I wanted to give comfort to this lady, if I could, so I said yes… so this reading was going to take place the next day, after doing the online reading… ‘as in tomorrow’…

(again I didn’t really consider the consequence and definitely did not expect what happened next … that same evening after giving the online reading!!)

1I was casually chilling and relaxing almost close to falling asleep on my sofa. That was then in our current bedroom. The way I was laying ment I was facing the door to our living room, which leads on to our *L*shaped hall way…

Myself  and my boyfriend at that time had a disagreement, so we were giving each other the silent treatment. It was extremely quite in the flat and had a kind of … eary feeling to it.  He was in the kitchen making tea (which waa down the hall way to the right) while I lay on the sofa, scrolling through Facebook pretending to be Productive!
To then be well and truly WOKEN UP , SHOCKED AND TRAUMATISED😮. By 1 of my medium sized canvas’s that was ‘hanging on the wall in the hall way’….To then what I can only describe as, it being thrown… from the wall that was to the left of the door, thrown to the right, in the middle of the door way to the living room and dropped to the floor right in front of my eyes!!! At this point I screamed! Never jumped / jumped up so quick in my life!

I was shaking I was that scared!!! (I honestly thought my boyfriend had thrown something in anger or something because it was that loud) for him then to come out of the kitchen (which is no where near were the canvas was hanging) asking me what just happened????!!!…

I’ve never been so frightened in my life…. I  literally didn’t stop shaking for like half an hour. My boyfriend then said… “this is what you get for playing with the dead” I guess he was kind of right, but I thought maybe this is just coincidence.
So later that night we went to bed… to then be woken up in the middle of the night to a very loud smash!!! I was half asleep and wasn’t to sure if I dreamt it or just assumed he had knocked a glass of the bed side table or something, as I did it a few weeks ago myself and because our bedroom is pitch black at night we couldn’t see anything.
So I just went back to sleep… morning now comes and we both wake up again… this time in daylight! To my boyfriend saying my name over and over… Stace, Stacey…. *look* he said… pointing over to the door… So I lent over him to see what he was pointing at… to be welcomed to our mirror that was hung up on the wall in our bedroom (to the right of the door)…. *SMASHED* and laying right in front of the door mirror side up!

At this point I was well and truly creeped out (even to the point of thinking about moving! But id just spent time and effort and money into decorating and stuff so no one is turfing us out of our home!)

So I decided after that eventful ‘active’ night I wasn’t going to do the readings as that was far to close for comfort for my liking! Since then… nothing has happened and we continue to have the bedroom in what was originally our living room… with no view of the graveyard thank God.😫

Chapter 1 – YOLO (you only live once)

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Me and my boyfriend’s ( nope I do not have multiple boyfriends haha… this is just another example of auto correct at it’s finniest, I ment my boyfriend, I just couldn’t be bothered to delete and re-type… but it would have been quicker 🙈) we moved in together middle of January 2017.

We both moved out of our parent’s houses and decided to take the adult life into our own hands!
We got offered a convenient top floor, 1 bedroom flat. It has a nicely sized kitchen, enough to even fit a table and 2 chairs…

The bathroom is one of my favourites because the bath… oh my gosh! It’s so deep *hearts coming out of my eyes emoji*😍

At my mum’s I could never stretch my legs out in that bath… with being a taller women 5ft 10/11insh to be exact. So when I first had a bath in this flat I felt like I was in a hot tub! I could lay down while stretching my legs with still enough space by my feet to splash them around like a little fuck ( -_- )

**duck **… I clearly ment duck!

The only thing I wasn’t aware of as I wasn’t used to a bigger bath, was that when I lay down and stretched out and put my head under the water to wash my hair, getting back up was slightly more difficult… I felt like I was drowning … *hands over face again* 🙈because normally I could use my feet to push myself up the bath and just lift my head out of the water but now we have a swimming pool as a bath the water just takes over.

Anyway enough about the bathroom.

Now moving on to the living room… this is also a really nice size, plenty of room fits 2 three seater sofas, a coffee table, tv and 3 small wooden tables. With still plenty of room available… to have a little party or swing a cat… which ever floats your boat.

Then the bedroom again it’s an ok size room… for 2 people… So I thought!?

So a long story cut short… we have been in the flat for over 2 months now. I fully decorated the living room even used white glitter paint… which I loooooovvvvveeeeee by the way…

sooooooo, myself and my boyfriend decided a few days ago that the bedroom just wasn’t enough space for the tones of clothes we own and keep buying, so we decided fuck it! Yolo… let’s move the bedroom around with the living room and have the living room as our bedroom! This was at 8:30pm at night… god knows what the people downstairs were thinking ha-ha, I even started to question my sanity and frequently kept saying to my boyfriend… “what are we doing” “you sure we should do this?” .. So we did! we moved all of the bedroom furniture into our new bedroom and the living room furniture into the new living room.
We decided to ‘leave the wardrobe in the living room’ for the time being as moving it was going to be a nightmare!

Only to remember that when we moved in, we had ‘no carpets’…So when we finally got carpets that we fitted ourselves, which I was quite proud of to be fair.

We decided that we ‘wouldn’t’ move the wardrobe to put the carpet down because let’s just say this wardrobe was quite old and survived many family moves including ours just about! … And if we moved it, it would most likely just collapse. So we made a ‘conscious decision’ to cut the carpet around the wardrobe as we had no intentions of ever moving the wardrobe EVER! And certainly didn’t expect to have a random spontaneous moment and swop rooms around.
Now we have a random cut out square bit of the carpet missing in the living room… but luckily the sofa covers it phew!

(But still slightly awkward!)

And now not thinking about the consequences of this random move… the living room now looks like a bombs hit it! With half the carpet missing and now on a Saturday 1 of my 2 days off a week I get.

I now have to revaluate my life and sort it out! Missions mission mission’s…

I make these decisions without thinking about the consequences… 🙈

maxresdefaultIntroduction

Im Just a normal person with some unusual crazy and hopefully funny events to share…

By Stacey Doreen Jones

The story of my life!

The end…

 

 

Only joking… but that’s what it feels like sometimes… that I wish life could be that easy.
I’ve always wanted to write a book… but when I told someone once that I wanted to do this I wrote… “ my life’s so crazy I could ‘right’ a book” at this point I decided to give up! *hands over face like the monkey emji* if you haven’t guessed yet… yes I have dyslecseea (dyslexia)
I mean come on… who came up with this spelling for a category of people who can’t read, write or spell, I mean come on give us a little bit of credit…

This is why auto correct has it’s up sides… even if your trying to spell fucked and you get “ducked” and this is why it’s taken me so long to even start writing anything because I never thought I was capable… and people out there will still doubt this but guess what?… It’s not their story it’s MINE.
There is also people out there that have said to me I should write a book, or even become a comedian (which i laugh at because i have got the confidence of a marshmellow ) someone has even said to me before that if they had the chance to direct and write a tv show they would base there main character on me… (I knew I was cool)
Soooooooooo …. I’m not to sure whether this will turn out to be a million paged diary or if it’s classed as a book, I’m not to sure of the rules but here goes nothing…
My plan is to just tell you all lots of mini story’s about my life, where I did not consider any form of conceques or after math and basically go from there…

It’s easy to mask your true emotions.

 

 

Hiding behind a smile…

So here’s my story.
I have always been a strong person so to speak. I have always tried not to let negative emotion or negative circumstances get in my way. I’ve always been quite independent too. I never wanted for anything growing up. I had a fantastic up bringing as a child and loved the family up bringing and the family surrounding and still now and always will be very family orientated.
My family and friends mean everything to me!

I have always wanted a family of my own with the Right person of course. Iv always wanted a child that came from growing inside of me. I’ve written lists of boys and girls names and different ways of spelling them. I couldn’t wait for the 9 months of pregnancy, getting to feel your own little baby moving around, doing summer salts in your tummy, the kicking, the morning sickness, the bump and having to buy maternity clothes.
I was even excited about the thought of when my baby would be born for the sleepless nights ( and I love my sleep ) but thinking about having cuddles at 2am with your little human that you and your partner made… makes it seem so worth it. Even down to the terrible 2’s and the tantrums.

“I always said I’d be the kind of mum that if a child kicks off in the middle of the shop because their not getting what they want… I’d do it back to them, there and then, just to embarrass them.”

I seen it on an advert once and thought that’s a good idea… So I thought… I’m going to use that.
I loved the idea of teaching my child from right to wrong and supporting / helping them… watching them grow up and generally bringing them up and being there.
But Most importantly having the opportunity to be a mother and having a family of my own.
Anyway, as you can see, the point I’m trying to make is… I really want children even to the point I even said I wanted twins… call me crazy I know.
The more I think about the fact that I can not conceive naturally literally breaks my heart, into little pieces and those little pieces break again and then again. Its like a part of me has been taken away from me without my consent.
After being told, not only that I have polycystic ovary’s but also basically a none existent main pregnancy hormone and that I’m not ovulating at all is quite A lot to take in and realisation hit me recently and that I’ve not had a period in almost 1 year …
If your struggling to understand how I feel right now… Your children that you already have… they may be in bed right now or sitting next to you watching tv, they maybe playing in the next room or you may even be holding them… well now imagine your life without them… or more to the point, Not being able to ever get to witness any of the above or never getting to hold their little hands… take a minute to really think about how that would feel… and there it is that feeling you have right now, that is the pain I’m currently suffering.

It’s not physical or mental it’s ‘emotional’ pain, which then leads to physical pain. It knocks me sick sometimes and then possibly leads to mental pain because I have a constant battle with myself…

It’s a constant argument I’m having in my own head… it’s like there’s 2 of me, in my own brain having a debate and I’m just the audience.
I’ve always been a big believe of…

‘everything happens for a reason’

or

‘what’s meant to be will be’

So this has got me thinking maybe… just maybe I’m not meant to be a mother? Maybe I wouldn’t be cut out for it? Maybe I’d be a bad mum? Maybe I’m just not supposed to have children?
But then why do other people get to have children when they don’t even want them… is it so people like me who can’t have them naturally or through IVF can have the opportunity to be a mother? children who deserve to have a mother in their life?

Now don’t get me wrong personally I do not agree with abortion… but I also understand that people in some circumstances may feel the need to, for their own personal reasons and part of me gets that and doesn’t hate people for that… but other people, it’s just people having children without any thought, having unprotected sex knowing they are fertile and knowing they are going to get pregnant and still being silly enough to not protect themselves and then having to have an abortion. Like that ‘miracle’ those 2 people just made is nothing! Like it’s just a pawn in a chest game… This does frustrate me. Simple because they do not know what they have got.
Motherhood and having the option to have your little human naturally has got to be one of the most amazing things about life. I mean it is life!

I never knew how I’d react to being told I couldn’t have children naturally and possibly not even artificially… but now I know and it’s tearing me apart from the inside.
Guaranteed the likely hood of you understanding , unless you are going through this yourself is next to none. People say “oh your still young” exactly imagine being told you may never have children. Just let that sink in. People say “oh there’s always IVF” And I know their only trying to make me feel better… but honestly it doesn’t it makes it worse… because it’s not the point a women will want to be able to have children naturally, not being able to do that ‘for Me’ feels like part of my femininity has been taken away from me. It makes me feel less worthy makes me wonder what my purpose is… as after all life is all about reproducing…
This story isn’t about trying to make people sad or feel bad or guilty, sorry if it came across that way… it’s to try and explain to people how I’m feeling right now because I struggle to get the words out when it’s face to face. It’s just a general reminder to those who do have children or to women who are lucky enough to have children to remember what you have and be thankful that your option hasn’t been taken away from you.
To remember that what you have is special and to not take it for granted. I know it cant be easy to raise a child but just know its defiantly worth it.
I still have 1% hope because without hope there’s nothing.. and that 1% tells me “who knows I could have a chance in the future of becoming a mother”… it may cost a lot and it won’t be easy but that 1% keeps me going. This is because I will always try my hardest to stay positive and that’s because I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family and friendship and relationship.

If it wasn’t for my boyfriend making me smile and laugh every time I feel down or depressed or angry, which has been a lot recently. I don’t know where I would be… he deserves a meddle to be honest putting up with my emotional roller coaster. I’m generally surprised he’s not run for the hills yet… he seems to be a keeper… so thank you… to you, for standing by me though such a tough time.

He’s my ‘him’ to my ‘her’.